Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
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I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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