never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
