I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
