its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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