he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
