Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I wear drunk well.
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