I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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