I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
