Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
