A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
