i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
