He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
