I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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