if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
