I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
