it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
it's like heaven, but drunker
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I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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