"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
