Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
