we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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