k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
