i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
