so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
