I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
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the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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