I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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