i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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