I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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