i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
