im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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