I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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