i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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