I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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