I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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