i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
