I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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