So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
