If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
