I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
