i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
