Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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