wrigley field is MILF paradise
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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