Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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