I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
