You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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