I wish I could teleport
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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