So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you had me at cake vodka
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
