Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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