I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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