you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
