I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
