she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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