After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
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This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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