Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
