I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
