if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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