she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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