I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
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someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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